PNT Diary, section 0
We all need something new to read
How are you doing? Holding up ok? I’m not asking rhetorically - really, I want to hear from you! Public comments are enabled from here on out, so please do drop a line.
I’m feeling a little better these last few days. The massive shock of the US border closure has receded, and while I’m still not getting much sleep, I’ve found some relief from my most acute anxieties. The van’s engine is fucked (to use a technical term) but I’ve found myself a very nice sublet for six weeks, and I’ll have either an operational vehicle or a place of my own after that - possibly both. My apartment is sunny and spacious, and I even have a dishwasher! There are certainly worse places to be.
Just yesterday, I got word that my workplace is finally going to close. We were one of the last remaining business other than gas stations and grocery strores, and our specialty in backcountry rentals meant we were doing a roaring trade. But we’ve lost many of our international staff, as all of the resort’s seasonal population has gone home. The small community of locals is very subdued indeed. Anyone who needed skins or snowshoes now has them - it doesn’t make sense to stay open, given the risks. So, it’s the Great Indoors for me. Shit is getting real now. I had a panic attack while tallying food for three weeks.
Given that I now have so much time on my hands, I thought I’d try to make some headway on the project of transcribing old journals and Instagram posts. I have no idea where my PCT journal has got to, and I didn’t really keep one on the CDT. I do have my PNT diary however, smudgy and incomplete as it may be. I have one of my PNT diaries, I should say. My writing grew to fill two notebooks, and I didn’t spend much time looking for the second while I gathered up essentials from the van. It might be in my storage locker - I just don’t know! Fortunately, the one I can find takes us from the pre-hike preparations on June 7th to when my pen ran out of ink on July 18. It’s a departure from the usual Shiny Object style - sketchy and rough, full of shorthand that makes sense only to me. It also includes many private thoughts, which I’ll cut out when I edit for general consumption. Still, it’s something for me to do and it’s something for you to read. I’ll supplement it when I can with instagram posts and remembered observations about the trail, as my entries often have nothing to do with the actual act of hiking. As a note, I have also changed the names and shorthand initials of anyone who has not previously appeared in this newsletter or given me the go-ahead to write about them - I don’t wish to invade anyone’s privacy.
June 7: New journal! Wonder how long it’ll be before I forget + then get too stressed about catching up. Bought my train tix to East Glacier for the 20th, tarptent is in the mail, 4 pairs of altras en route to a trail angel’s place on Whidbey Island. This winter fucking sucked. I’m in full depression mode going into this very last-minute hiking plan. Constant anxiety + certain all my tenuous connections (friends?) can’t wait to be rid of me. Nervous about what my headspace is gonna be like with all the isolation on the PNT - I know how dark it can get all alone w/ no reality check. But I’m encouraged cause this is gonna be my first truly solo hike, where I don’t have the shadow of an emotionally withholding, critical, controlling person dominating. I know I’ll have moments of sublime freedom and peace too - thinking about this makes me think of WA on the PCT, the day I [smudge - narrated?] myself out of a panicky mood + into a meditative state, and the extreme beauty of Castle Pass. I’m bringing a big battery pack, haha. And no J! [note: J is my ex from the CDT] Maybe I’ll make videos to keep myself feeling connected and properly narrativised without abusing the internet. 12 days before I leave. Not sure if this fancy pen works too well on this paper.
June 22: New pen definitely works better. Pulling into East Glacier on the train now. Bus anxiety gave me a bad time leaving Whidbey. Hitchhike miscommunication dumped me on the wrong ferry, took 2 hours + lots of stress to recover. Felt so tweaked from lack of sleep for 2 days, feeling I was losing my mind for real. Not sure if my choices rn are manic/impulsive, or if I’m just adapting to the reality of impending climate apocalypse faster than most. Feeling unsure if my new gear was the right choice still. Already broke + I don’t want to splash out more for no reason - and I lost my OR jacket somehow. Felt like an indication of total failure/underpreparedness, but it’ll be fine. First summer free from the shadow of someone else’s desires + my own codependant tendencies, so of course it feels unfamiliar + scary + I’m second-guessing myself. Met Strider at the train station. Older, a bit of a loose cannon - freewheeling, grifting, hikertrash like myself. Vision of my future, but not a bad guy - just self-involved. Self-possessed and seemingly self-assured too, but I can see how he could be anxiety-driven like me. Might have talked me into an AT sobo thru after this. Why not? Interesting/new/scary to fly by the seat of my pants on this. Train ride was gorgeous. Definitely the way to travel long distance.
June 22, 7pm: Illegally stealth-camped near the Chief Mtn TH, hitting the trail tmmrw. Had an awkward non-fight with E over the phone. Feels like he’s pulling away - mostly my fault, I pissed him off. I think I’ve been too intense recently. Not gonna talk to him for a bit. I am def. underprepared for this hike.
Oh, the hitch here - listened to folk-punk with a dirtbag 20yo kid from NC while his poorly trained dog sat in my lap. Vanlifer, unglamourous, works at a dispensary. Such a stereotype. Wish I had another day in town.
That’s that for now. PNT Week 1 coming soon! Please let me know how you’re doing. And here’s a song for you - a dark orchestral experiment in uncertainty and dread. Even before the pandemic, this song gave me images of scythed skeletons and plague doctors, and it seems especially appropriate now.
Talk soon, take care
-Magpie