PNT Diary: Section 2
EUREKA!
Hello again - I started this post almost a month ago, it turns out. I really didn’t think it had been that long. The quarantine brain got me. The act of doing nothing creates its own inertia - the nothing swelled up and consumed me. Each day became an exercise in more nothing, and nothing and nothing and nothing happened. This draft has been nearly ready to publish for almost four weeks, and each day I thought of nothing, and so nothing happened. It seemed it had almost been ready to publish yesterday, so what’s one more day? And in this way, a month passed by. Infinite zero day indeed.
Welcome back to “experiments in deciphering my own chicken scratch” aka PNT diaries.
I’ve gone ahead and assembled a glossary of hikerspeak, although I’ll continue to define them in italics the first time they pop up. After a short break from writing, my diary finds me slightly hungover in Eureka, encountering the hiker bubble for the first time.
6/28+29: RW into Eureka + nearo. Took alternate on the 88 trail after satisfying night in lookout tower. Plenty of other hikers in Eureka; met D & P again as well as new guy named Enigma. Didn’t get a chance to write b/c of Instagram chores and socializing.
6/30: Unexpected/unplanned zero last night - big mistake. Well, small mistake. Felt enervated + had a hard time getting going this morning, especially after gas station breakfast. Bad town food fucked with my stomach all day AND I forgot to take my meds AND I’m probably pms-ing. Rough combo, no energy. 16mi roadwalk + a climb too, yuck. Yaak tomorrow or the next day. Listened to podcasts and worried and procrastinated all day. Leapfrogged a little with British guy - forgot his name, no trailname yet. Nice, unassuming, reserved. Camped with him just after making my mileage goal very late in the day. Feeling a little bit of social paranoia after my extended town stay but I think it will pass. The peace I was feeling on the lookout has faded but it will (or won’t) come back. Mutual friendly vibes all the way with D, super charasmatic guy. Hope I see him & P again, they seem genuine.
7/1: Quick trail notes - long thought about “here-now-ness” (dazein?) at the lookout on Stahl, also on Sonora Pass. Thought about sensualism of body when making music - wordless psychic connection w orchestra-body, single organism. Communication through trail or land - similar? Asynchronous community thought-sharing through accumulation of footproints = trail.
7/1 dinner break: Made my goal very late + am going to knock out as much of this RW as possible after dinner. Many profound thoughts, wish I had been taking notes. Spicebush - impossible not to be happy while inhaling that intoxicating fragrance. Feeling young + vital as the young pines - sense of smell sharpening. Gorgeous ridgewalk in the violets. Unconstructed trail that allows one to feel as if just out for a walk. Tin roofs glinting down below alongside river. Faint trace trail - keen trail eyes. Being part of the act of creation of this trail, in exploratory mode rather than the athleticism of the PCT. Walking slowly, not waiting for it to end even tho very tired. Pure sensory heaven. Unassuming beauty that’s hard to photograph - not a dramatic wilderness but a wild, natural place like must have existed when we were an agrarian species. Taking my time. Also, freedom from social pressure, the necessity of aloneness for dazein. Mosquito hell right here, overhearing neighborhood football game. Possible yogi? [To yogi: hikerspeak for hanging around non-hikers looking hungry]
They did not share food. Dinner’s ready.
7/2: BBQ guys did NOT share food last night! Got a good hitch into town today by a kind old guy named George who lives on 3mi Road. Hung out in town + had a quick shower. Met Enigma again + saw the 2 hikers who passed me while I was sleeping. Sie + Constantine. Nice guys, enjoyed their company. Posted up on the side of 22mi RW now, feeling bored + restless + dissatisfied. Kinda worried that a big funky mole on my shoulder could be cancer. Can’t remember if I’ve always had it or not. Gonna eat more sweets + hopefully that will rev my engine a bit, had some town food but haven’t gotten close to my caloric req. for the day. Probably will help mood + hypochondriac tendency. Wish I had a beer or something. Mood not great, feeling thin-skinned + taking too much irrelevant info personally. Note to self - do not forget about squirrel mom + twins under bridge en route to Yaak. SO BORED! (Probably just hangry)
7/2 PM: I was just hangry. Constantine + Sie caught me just after I had eaten + made a joke about how now I would have to catch them. My engine was running well and I soon got them with the aid of some good music. Passed them, they exclaimed that I was fast as shit. Had a great time bopping to tunes along the RW - weather threatened heavy rain but never broke. Very weird thunder + humidity + hot sunshine all at once. Camped quite early near the fork between the original PNT and the new primary route. Will decide based on weather tomorrow. Got mildly pissed off trying to set up the tent on too-hard ground so the boys could see me, but then relocated to soft ground. Bit of spitty rain but mostly aggravated by the hellish mosquitoes. Ate plain potatoes for dinner since I forgot to buy cheese or mayo or hot sauce. Feeling relaxed + satisfied by my carby dinner, even tho it was plain. Happy today, feeling calm + centred when not hangry. Still thinking about T a lot though :/
No sign of the boys. I like them. Hope I wasn’t too negative this morning + scared them off. Also thinking about JM [Another Whistler fling] - he was fun, but there’s nothing there.
7/3 5pm-ish: Slow progress today. Flash of inspiration slowed me down but energized me. [Note: I wrote a long essay in my notebook between this and the previous entry that I will share as its own post shortly. It needs an edit] Didn’t eat lunch. I think that’s responsible for my black mood now. Stupid whiny thing, this body. Sore-footed and demanding food. Fed it more jerky and a dried banana bar, maybe that will shut it up. Seems like only Enigma is ahead of me presently - I passed British Guy this morning. 8mi to the Feist Creek Bar. Wanna get there in time for food but I’ll eat my packaged rice if not, I guess. Disappointed that I didn’t get to do the cool ridgewalk on account of weather. Time to hike.
7/3-7/5 <— Post zero day: Got into Feist Creek around 7:30PM and saw Enigma. Was shortly joined by Constantine and Sie. New knife arrived in mail but not my jacket - caused some stress until Enigma proposed calling a TA [Trail angel] for a ride down to Bonner’s Ferry for a 4th of July zero. Inhaled a BBQ pork sandwich in record time + had fun sorting through the hiker box. Almost ate some moldy Nutella that had expired 2yrs ago.
Three (ok, 2 1/2) days later, I’m having trouble reinhabiting my emotional tone, but I seem to recall a spirit of comeraderie. Told a couple of my sad-ish stories of this hard winter. Felt potentially some sparks w/ Constantine but it went nowhere. Typical happy straight guy, all busy-ness and friendliness. Not accustomed to hearing other’s pain. Also discussed my anarchist past. He seemed unable to integrate these stories, or even able to figure out how to be curious about them, what questions to ask. Had a real hikertrash evening, sleeping in a mid-reno pool house full of old insulation. Got free breakfast from Cliff, the bar owner. Good social vibe. Then got picked up by the TA. Typical zero in town. Hung out with Enigma all day, got deep on occultism + loneliness + being smart and curious and weird on a doomed planet. Constantine and Sie didn’t seem to know what to make of our convos + dropped out when the subject turned to the esoteric. Felt a little bad for being exclusionary but couldn’t seem to find a bridge back to group cohesion. Chill day tho - met up with Hardy Trails, who is 16mi ahead but hitched in from a different road. Saw the fireworks (kinda) from the high school lawn. Weird, bad milkshakes + stilted convo at the burger joint. All imagined chemistry with Constantine fizzled when he slept on the floor rather than share a bed with Sie. Straight men are so weird. Hectic this morning, and wildly hungry. Constantine made jokes about me pounding back food when he wasn’t watching. Now I’m feeling drowsy and town-spoiled. Still waiting for my jacket and then I’m gonna knock out this 3000ft climb w/ Enigma. Scattered thoughts.
7/5 PM: Sluggish/anxious afternoon. Hung out w/ Enigma for a couple hours + felt trapped waiting for my jacket in the mail. Finally got going around 3pm, slogged up the hill slowly. Sweaty as hell, hiked shirtless for a bit while Enigma was ahead. Felt sad and worried abt E [different E, the friend I had a weird phone call with in East Glacier], then rehearsed some tales of woe in my head. Caught up with Enigma. Had a very cathartic pouring-out convo re: upbringing + christianity. Felt better after some water + chat. Feels really good to acknowledge that I’m not ok in a non-crisis mode. Great dinner, spanish rice with sausage + cheese. Eating enough has been good for my mental health, generally. I must keep it up. Tired, bedtime.
7/6: PMS today and yesterday FOR SURE. Basking in pure material comfort now - full of food, warm, sleeping pad - but was in an awful mental state earlier. Tough day physically too. 6,000ft of elevation gain + 31mi day. Out of bed at 6am and not settled til 11pm, working hard the whole time in between. And HOT and HUMID. Listened to HBM podcast + thought about loneliness + my “i wanna go home” anxiety mantra and feelings of not-belonging. Which spiralled into bad relationship flashbacks + then a long meditation on suicide featuring my imaginary T - the one I explain things to in my head, nothing to do with the actual guy. Comforted myself thinking about JM and imagining that he was declaring unrequited love to me + I got to gently break his heart. Ridgewalk sunset was stunningly gorgeous and I felt better when I got to camp + saw Enigma. Ass chafe today, and shoulder chafe from a heavy pack. Another tough day tomorrow. Sleepy. Pee, then bed. Quick memories - long RW, nice convo, farmer guy.
7/7: Bushwhack day. Wiped. 9:30pm right now. Started down from Pyramid Lake Camp. Official bushwhack was thick but not too bad - boulder scramble and then down a creek drainage in thick brush. Ok, just keywords now, too tired: total focus - hummingbird - huckleberry foot traps “never been so annoyed to see huckleberries in my life” - old man bear ran off into cave - waterslide stream - lionshead + hoodoo that looked like chief in a warbonnet - thinking we wouldn’t “get got” by weather - hubris - game trails - mountain goat - lookout tower - sheltered from hailstorm.
Told something close enough to the truth to Enigma today. My heart feels lighter and better. Also, got my period. Feel more like the real me. Stale mac + cheese for dinner.
